Page 164/365 – Big Brother returns

It’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

It’s a new house, it’s a new set of housemates…and what’s more, it’s a new host! Emma Willis has taken up the helm left behind by Brian “Over the top” Dowling and its a good move in my opinion.

We took a tour of the house first. A very chic and classy stairway into the house. Then we had a big nice round kitchen, with the living area and the dining area. Loads of recycled TVs dotted on the walls too….hmmm, wonder how they will be used. A bike to be cycled for electricity too for the hairdryers etc…interesting.

The diary room is now upstairs with a chair which looks like a cross between bad plumbing and one of those off electric wire games. 

And we’re onto housemates : 

Housemate number 1 – Jack & Joe. Supermarket assistants and twin brothers. They’re talkative and big lads. One is gay and one is straight…but sure which is which. Could either be MASSIVELY annoying, or VERY funny. Emma tells us they’re twins and they are to be treated as one housemate. One of them almost broke his neck falling down the stairs into the house…oops!

Housemate #2 – Sallie Axl, a tattoo’d girl from Liverpool, a glamour model who claims to be a bitch…oh dear. She could be quite nice when she goes into the house and as Elle says will probably have the “oh I’m perceived as a slag but I’m really not!” attitude when she is in there. Geordie guy on voiceover told us most of her friends are male…which isn’t really a shock…!

We do keep getting teased about a big secret…what could it be?

Housemate #3 – Jemima – runs the “Golddigger’s Dating” website…oh dear…she also thinks she looks like Sarah Jessica Parker….so that gives you the kind of standard you’re looking at here…so far the most annoying and an early shout for first to be Booted! Clearly thinks she’s something special.

Housemate #4 – Michael, a postman from Ireland. Says he will liven things up…hmmmm…could be a contender to go right to the end (according to Elle), but I think it all depends on whether he comes across as a nice bloke or not whilst he’s in there…time will tell. He is already apologising for being boring….hmmmmmmm!

OH! SECRET TIME! HE’S A PROFESSIONAL ACTOR!!!!!!!!

MICHAEL IS A BIG BROTHER EMPLOYEE!!!

The public control him. Amazing. Yes Big Brother! Yes! He doesn’t have actual housemate status. 

Emma is calling him the “People’s Puppet”. Not quite sure what Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson will think about that. 

Growing food in the garden also needed this year…nice. And when people want a shower, someone else has to turn a water wheel…and the MANGLE is back! Yes! It’s old-school! I love it.

Housemate #5 – Callum, professional Sports coach. Looks like he spends longer grooming himself than Jemima does. Says he likes to get his top off. Seems quite quiet though, but I bet he’s a prick when he’s had a drink or three. Came across quite shy when on the runway though. Could go either way. Seemed to gravitate towards Sallie…

Housemate #6 – Wolfy, manchester Student. Initial reaction was right…Lesbian. She’s a fisherwoman. Into Nature too. Whats the betting she’s a vegetarian too….? Mentioned being lesbian about 8 times…….joy! If she’s not annoying in the house…she’ll win. 

Housemate #7 – Sam, a Stchtockroom Assisschtant from Walesch…oops, he’s part deaf and lip reads….erm….awkward…thats why he talks like that. He has a boyband look to him so will get the young girl vote for sure. Seems like a nice lad so could go very far in this. 

Housemate #8 – Sophie, a Dental Nurse, Blonde and looks and sounds like a typical one. from a family of travellers. Says she’s “not a spoiled brat but can be a spoiled brat”….ooooook then! Bit indifferent about Sophie myself. Another one where time can tell I think.

I just had a thought…what if some Spoilsport in the audience yelled “MICHAEL IS AN ACTOR FOR BIG BROTHER” whilst someone was having their interview with Emma…..could ruin the entire plan Big B has for him…..hmmmmmm, interesting.

Housemate #9 – Dexter, a Celebrity Publicist. Jemima will be latching onto him then. Spent £121k on champagne one day. Mentioned being a sugar daddy….hmmmm, Big Brother, you’re toying with us….he was apparently London’s highest paid male prostitute…he looks like a cross between Frankie Dettori and Psy!

And he was our final housemate for the night…hmmmm, only 9…well 10 including the boys, but only 9 because Michael isn’t a housemate, but “for the night” as Emma said, so there’ll probably be more sometime soon…will that be Michael’s task soon…hmmm, oh I love Big Brother!

Initial thoughts…..everyone’s British….and everyone is Caucasian…when was the last time Big Brother was…erm…Brother-less? (Disclaimer : I mean nothing racist by that so don’t start!)

And now…time for the first Michael-People’s-Puppet-Twist-Thingy : 

“Will one housemate come to the Diary Roo….” Michael shot up the stairs and didn’t give anyone else chance…which was obviously the plan. Everyone else onto the sofas. Michael appears on the screens. He’s officially given privileges as Head Housemate…in the garden…all the suitcases including his own….and a SHREDDER!!!!!!!!!!!!  He has to save ALL suitcases but loses his own…..or save his own and Shreds ALL the others……and we know it’s Big Brother pulling his strings! 30 seconds to choose…hehe…and obviously he shreds everyone else’s. Everyone now officially hates him! Brilliant!

Sallie is kicking off with him…but then thinks it might be a Big Brother trick…not sure if the ruse is going to keep up here…has Big Brother gone too far with the first wind up? 

Out to the garden and everyone Goggles up! And it’s shredding time…Sallie is convinced it’s fake. If I were Big brother, I would’ve had the suitcases opened up so it was clear it was their stuff…the illusion was lost a little I think. Nice idea, but they should’ve started smaller with the People’s Puppet thing. 

…and tomorrow, another 6 housemates…woohoo!

Come back tomorrow for more cynical views on Big Brother’s latest incarnation…

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